We've been talking about various techniques to change child behavior.
The techniques are a package and they have to be combined.
We are breaking them down into individual techniques.
In this video, we will talk about praise,
that is praising one's child.
What is praise?
Well, praise is very familiar.
It refers to expressing approval in some way.
We know this very well.
It's illustrated in everyday life as you parent by
saying things such as, great, well done.
This positive feedback is the praise we're familiar with.
And the effects? Well, we know those too.
Praise makes us feel better.
We smile. We're pleased to hear it.
And we're just happier when there's more praise in our life.
You're a parent, so you're probably providing praise to your child.
What could we possibly say in this video that would be new?
Actually, quite a lot.
And I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.
For today's purposes, consider two kinds of praise.
The first kind might be called routine normal or praise in everyday life.
This the one you are doing,
this is the one familiar to you.
Children love it.
It'll help your relationship.
Continue to do that.
But there is a second type of praise,
and that's what we're focusing on now.
And this praise is really useful when you want to change some behavior.
When you want to develop some behavior,
getting your child to do homework,
be a better listener,
or have your child do something this strategic,
this better kind of praise will get that behavior.
And same thing we'll use it later to get rid of some behaviors as well.
This praise has three special features.
The first of these, we'll talk about with young children.
The first of these is the praise should be very enthusiastic or effusion.
It would look like this, "That's great!"
Had some hand gestures there,
some facial expression, and the tone of voice was really up.
Second component, state exactly what was being praised.
"Great! You've picked up the toys just like I asked."
The third component is something nonverbal.
It could be a touch on the shoulder,
high fives, rubbing the child's hair,
a hug, kiss, whatever you do that's comfortable,
so nonverbal is the third part.
And there's research on this to show that each of these components is
essential to make this special praise effective to change behavior.
Consider an example, you'd like your child to set the table or pick up toys.
You go over the child and say, "That's great Mildred!
You picked up your toys."
Now you go touch.
Had the three ingredients.
"Great Mildred!
You picked up your toys. I go touch.".
Let us review one more time because this is such a critical tool in your toolkit.
I have mentioned that special praise has three main ingredients,
but the first step comes way before you praise the behavior.
And that is to select the behavior you'd like to develop.
In our example, we selected picking up and putting away toys.
Keep a lookout for when the child does that specific behavior,
so you can praise the behavior using the three special components.
Praise effusively by smiling and using an enthusiastic tone.
"That was great!"
State the specific behavior when you acknowledge your child, "That was great!
You put the toys away just like I asked."
Then add a gentle touch.
Be close to the child as you're giving praise and give
some nonverbal affection such as a hug or patting your child on the shoulder in some way.
When you try this at home,
focus on one or two behaviors at first so you can
practice giving praise frequently and consistently.
How to make praise effective. Well, there are a couple of things.
One of them is, it should be right after the behavior.
For example, you would never say at dinner,
"Raul, that was great the way you got ready for school this morning."
No, no, no. That's too distant. It won't do anything.
We need the praise to be right next to getting ready for school.
It has to be immediately after behavior.
Also, we want the praise for small increments in behavior.
You may want the full hour of homework each day,
and we'll talk about ways to get that full hour,
but in the beginning,
you want to praise small increments.
And of course, you want to praise making sure that the behavior is done.
Now there are some fascinating cautions
in administering praise that are worth mentioning.
What is said really makes a difference.
Among the things to be alert to, avoid vacuous praise.
Don't just fire out there, "Great.
Wonderful. You're doing a good job."
That's the normal phrase. It's fine.
It's not a way to change behavior,
so keep the differences quite clear.
Secondly, do not praise the person.
It would not be good to say to your child, "Dave,
you're really a good boy because you did these behaviors." No, no.
That can actually make the child feel bad,
so don't connect being a good boy.
Also, do not convey that your love or liking depends on the behavior,
"Mommy and Daddy really love you when you do X."
No, no, no, no, don't do that.
"Mommy and Daddy really love you no matter what you do.".
And then finally on this one,
do not focus on yourself.
"You make Mommy and Daddy happy when you do this."
No, no, no, no, no.
"Mommy and Daddy are happy no matter what you do and
you're not the basis for our happiness that way."
And perhaps the most important lesson is what's typical in parenting.
We all do this. It's called caboosing.
Think for a moment of a train with many cars and the last car is called the caboose.
In praise, the caboose is adding on something that undermines everything.
You might have this perfect praise, "Great!
You picked up your toys the way I asked.
Nicely done." You pat.
Now the caboose, "Why can't you always be like that?
How come you can't do it like your sister always does?
Why do I have to nag you every time to get that behavior?"
Those cabooses undermine and take away the effects of praise.
What is so special that makes this praise work?
What's the magic behind the praise? Actually none.
The key to the entire approach of all that we're talking
about is having the child practice the behaviors you want.
We are building habits.
We need the repetition of the behavior.
And what praise does,
it fits into that by increasing the likelihood that the child will do the behavior again,
we have more practice.
Or a really good way to think about this is to consider this like developing a skill,
like playing a musical instrument.
In a musical instrument, we want you to practice the notes,
maybe little songs, and that repeated practice.
What do we know about repeated practice?
It actually changes the brain.
And we want that practice because in the praise or
the musical instrument if we get the behavior to occur in this repeated practice,
we lock in the behavior,
we can forget about the special praise.
Now, some important questions and concerns often emerge in talking about praise.
One of them is, will I need to praise the child forever to get him to do things?
Is it a case that I have to praise my daughter to get dressed for the prom,
we'll have to continue this until she gets to the prom? Not at all.
This is a very short time temporary program to make permanent changes.
You get the behavior and then we stop.
Will I spoil the child and make him expect praise from me for everything? Not at all.
This does not work like that.
You praise the behavior, you get repeated practice,
you build in, you drop the program,
you're back to where you were before.
Question.
Why do I even need to do this at all,
especially since my other child is so easygoing and cooperative and angelic?
All we know to answer that is that people vary greatly,
different temperaments, different personality.
We even know that identical twins are actually very different.
We don't know how your child needs this or why your child needs this,
but we do know that with the techniques we are
talking about we can readily make these changes,
even though we don't know why the two children are different.
Quick review. Three ingredients effusiveness,
specific statements and something nonverbal.
Will praise change the child and get the behaviors you want?
Not by itself. It's a critical ingredient.
We are going to build a house and changing the behaviors you want in your child,
and praise is a critical tool but you would never build a house with one tool.
Praise is a good tool.
We're going to have other tools in later videos.
