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And understanding yourself
is a condition for effective or appropriate expression.
With needs, there is this similar process here because
when you have needs, then you're needy.
When you have needs that are not met and you're trying to get the other person
to help you address your needs, very often it will make people feel inadequate.
Some people may feel vulnerable and
that's why not everyone is comfortable expressing their needs.
And then the other thing is because when we're in the relationship,
especially when you're in the relationship with a certain history and
there are negative experiences in the past.
A lot of people do not want to express their needs because
they're afraid of being disappointed, or frustrated.
In some extreme cases, some people were very afraid of expressing
their needs because the expression of needs may lead to punishment, or
aggression, or abuse.
So, some people will find it really difficult.
And they would rather hide their needs or conceal them,
or express them in some other ways that are not explicit, that are not direct.
That is like the condition a lot of people may find themselves in.
Once you get to understand your needs, and
you know you have to express them,
then you will be able to learn a thing or two from the SSLD system.
The first thing of course, we have been repeating this many, many times,
maybe too many times already in this course, is that you have to first distinguish
between what is the thing that you want and what is the thing that you need.
Because what you want may not be what you need.
If you already know what you need, then you understand that there
are usually multiple ways for that need to be addressed.
When you're expressing that need to someone,
you want to express that in a way that the other person can understand.
Sometimes you want to express it in such a way that the other
person can reasonably respond to.
Say for example, you're traveling and
you're in a strange country, and
then you are feeling sort of lost and also insecure.
And what you need would be a sense of safety and protection.
But you do not go around telling people, I'm really scared in this place,
I'm feeling very secure, and I want to feel protected.
Maybe you don't want to do that, right?
So what you might want to do is that you'll be looking for
the next person, who might seem like a good company,
who would not create more difficulty or challenge for you.
And then you would just go up to this person and
start negotiating an initial relationship.
What you are actually looking for may be a sense of security and
maybe some direction, but you may not be expressing that need right from the onset.
You will be showing some kind of affiliation needs of being friendly
to people.
Or you may even be asking for some kind of help, like directions.
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You may be like doing it in an incremental manner.
That is also a strategy that a lot of people adopt.
What we find is that when you have an important need,
you do not necessarily always express it right away.
When we look at how beautiful dramas evolved in
human relationships that we read in literature.
Very often these relationships go through a process.
And then it is the relationship that creates the opportunity for
people to become more aware of their own needs.
It is not a linear process.
It is the same thing with emotion I would have to say.
When we talk about emotions, we probably didn't get into this too much.
We were talking about how to express emotions, actually one of the things
that is great about relationships, is that if I am in a relationship that
provides me with space where I can just freely express my emotions without
being afraid of being judged, being attacked, that would be wonderful.
I would say the same thing about needs.
My relationship with that is a space, a trusting safe space for
me to just express my needs. It would be wonderful.
It is not just how we do it.
We want to be doing it nicely, doing it well.
But we also are looking forward to developing relationships that would open
up the space for this kind of expression to happen more freely and spontaneously.
>> And I guess the more complex the need, or the more emotions involved,
the better relationship you have have to be able to express it.
>> Very true.
And then we can also say the same thing about
the more able you are to do that,
it will help to build a relationship.
In a relationship when both parties can express their needs and
their emotions freely, then I think,
both parties are open and embracing and accepting.
Then, I think, the relationship would grow.
So, you're right. And it will then start a virtuous cycle,
things getting better, out of self-understanding, more
effective communication, like expanding the shared space in the relationship.
That would be wonderful.
A. Ka Tat TsangFounder of the SSLD System; Professor and Factor-Inwentash Chair in Social Work in the Global Community
