[MUSIC] Now let's read through Joey's essay, in the introduction, we note that Joey has taken on a much more formal tone, which is much more acceptable in academic writing. His thesis statement is foregrounded up front here, and signals the position he wants to occupy, which is that identity is a matter of choice and that it is constructed and fluid. His thesis statement reads. >> Individuals have a degree of choice in the identity that they construct. >> He has resolved the apparent contradiction in his previous draft, and has now presented this problematic statements as other people's views through the use of scare quotes, which is a device that writers use to distance themselves from a particular issue. Joey reinforces this distancing by offering another statement to reinforce the position he has taken. In his second paragraph, Joey's topic sentence reads much better making the link between crossing borders and homophobia, it reads. >> The effects of crossing borders needs to be addressed with respect to homophobia. >> He has tightened the paragraph by comparing border crossing, across nations, to border crossing across sexual orientations. Showing the violent nature of each and using Sichone to support this idea. Joey makes a clear link between this paragraph and the previous one through the notion of value and devaluing. He paraphrases Blommaert and then extends the understanding of texts to apply to bodies as scripts with symbols or markers of identity. He just needs to spell out more clearly that bodies can be texts, this is a good creative move around the understanding of what a text is. His paragraph balances the constraints that come with crossing borders and the enabling possibilities that come with making choices. Joey restates his thesis statement in the conclusion, which is a good move, however, the conclusion is too short. Joey would additionally need to summarise some of those complex ideas that he discussed in the body of his essay, such as showing the overlap between homophobia and xenophobia. And appropriating Blommaert's argument to include bodies as texts, in terms of references, Joey makes good use of in-text references, his reference list, however, needs to be reworked. Firstly, the book titles such as Discourse and New South African keywords should be in italics. Joey forgot to mention the name of the book editors for the book, New South African keywords. The reference should read as follows Sichone, O. 2008. Xenophobia. In New South African keywords. N. Shepherd & S. Robins, Eds. Johannesburg: Jacana Press. Also, Joey would need to complete the reference to Woodward's book as follows, Woodward, K. 2004 Questioning identity: Gender, class, ethnicity. London: Routledge. Now you can look back on the tasks you submitted for the first three weeks and the feedback you received from your peers. Think about how these can be incorporated as you write your first full essay draft. Feel free to make some changes to the working progress. [MUSIC]